Coping with two Kids

It's an interesting, and in some ways overwhelming, sensation have a second child. On the one hand I am without a doubt excited about having a son. I'm already planning the things that I want to introduce to him, the games and movies I want to share. But on the other hand the thought of balancing my time and efforts between Edward and my daughter, Abby, who is about two and a half years old is absolutely daunting. I really don't know how I'm going to do it, and in many ways I am worried about letting Edward or Abby down.

How Do I Split Time Between my Kids?

One of the things I really hated growing up was hypocrisy between how the siblings were treated. That's not to say my mum and dad were bad parents, far from it, but I am the oldest of five kids and with that sort of work load it was easy for my parents to accidentally fall into patterns that favoured some of the children over others in some situations. So one of my goals was to treat my two children equally, splitting time and energy in a more-or-less fair division between them.

And in some ways I feel like I've already failed.

During Abby's pregnancy I bought a whole lot of toys. For Edward I bought none. We already have a bunch of toys and clothes, so buying more seemed a little redundant and we needed the money for other things. But that now means Abby got everything brand new, while Edward is already having to deal with hand-me-downs.

Prior to Abby being born we went to the Christchurch botanic gardens to get pregnancy photographs. We did this again a few weeks before Edwards birth. But looking through family photographs last night it was clear that we got far more photographs of Abby's pregnancy than we did of Edwards. We still got very nice photo's of Edwards pregnancy. But with Abby's photo's we hit more locations, had more poses, and just generally spent more time doing it and got more pictures. This was partly because with Edwards pregnancy photo's we already had Abby. We were tired (raising a toddler requires a lot of effort), and had Abby with us - and she has a limited amount of time before she gets tired and bored. We had to be a lot more strategic with our time.  

Abby was born by cesarean section, which required my wife to stay in hospital for a week recovering. I visited the hospital every day, arriving just after visiting hours started and staying into the evening. Changing nappies, talking to Abby, playing. After Edward was born my wife spent three days in the hospital resting. But because I had Abby I could only spend a 3 - 4 hours at the hospital each day. The rest of the time was spent looking after Abby, doing the parenting thing.

In the end I know this is all part of having a toddler. It's not so much a bias towards Abby, or against Edward, as much as it is just a straight up different situation. The first time round we didn't have a toddler and could take things at a different pace. This time we had other obligations that squeezed our financial and time resources in other directions.

But still, going forward I am going to have to figure out a way to give Edward the same opportunities and attention that Abby has been enjoying for the last couple of years.

Dealing with Tiredness and a Grumpy Toddler

One of the things I have been finding really difficult is Abby's behaviour. Normally Abby is a really good kid. Polite and really well behaved. In the weeks before Edward's birth she was going through a bit of an independent streak - typical toddler stuff. It's called the 'terrible twos' for a reason. But Edward's arrival has kicked that into high gear.

She has been refusing to eat (in fact she had to be hand fed this morning), making messes, refusing to follow instructions, being demanding and argumentative, and procrastinating. She is also constantly whining. We have also had some jealousy issues. Getting grumpy when I change Edward's nappy, or demanding cuddles when my wife is breast feeding. Although, thankfully, she doesn't appear to have any ill feelings towards Edward himself.

I'm sure it's just a phase, and I'm sure it'll pass soon enough. But it is mentally exhausting. Particularly when Edward has had a rough night and I am physically exhausted as well. 

I've been finding that I have less and less patients for her, and I'm getting increasingly frustrated over what I would have previously considered small one off things. But she has had this negative attitude for 14 days now, and it starts grinding you down. 

And I feel really bad about it. Sometimes I think I forget she is only 2 years old, and perhaps subconsciously expect her to act older than she is now that she is a big sister. She has been through a large life altering event, and I need to acknowledge that.

But at the same time it is hard to be constantly fighting against a two year old. She has little understanding of consequence, and limited language skills, so you can't really negotiate with her. I also refuse to smack her or use other physical punishments as I see that as child abuse. She does respond a little to time out in her bedroom, or threatening to take things away - but these are temporary fixes that only really correct the immediate bad behaviour in that immediate situation. 

It means that the only option you really have left is feeling frustrated and upset. This leads to having a short temper, and taking aggressive tones of voice and body stances towards her, and sometimes yelling. And then you feel bad about doing that, which feeds back into the frustration.

That said, it hasn't been all bad. We still try and make sure she still gets treats, trips to play grounds and cafe's, and good one on one play time with her dad. And when we are playing we have a great time. But as soon as the focus is no longer 100% on her the attitude comes back.

I don't want her to feel that she is worse off because of Edward's arrival. But I'm exhausted, and I really really hope this will pass soon.

Finding Time for Myself With a New Born and Toddler

Another thing I struggle with a little is finding time for myself in amongst all this parenting stuff. I know many people would say that is what parenting is all about, and I should get over it. But realistically you need down time.

Currently my average week day looks like this:

6:00 am: alarm goes off.
7:00 am: leave home on 1 hour commute to the office.
6:00 pm: arrive home after 1 hour commute. Have a coffee / play with Abby.
6:30 pm: start Abby's bed time routine.
7:30 pm: Abby finally asleep. Then cooking dinner.
8:00 pm: eating dinner.
9:30 pm: bed time / barely awake.

So I have about an hour each day to myself - most nights I'm not even sitting down before 8:00 pm. The weekends are usually spent entertaining / educating Abby. We try to do an activity each day which usually means leaving home at 10:00 am and getting back around 3:00 pm. Then Abby's dinner time starts at 5:00 pm an the cycle starts again.

For a while now I have been wanting to do some professional development to broaden my future employment prospects (my current job is somewhat temporary). Ideally I'd like to get into coding, and have several projects I'd like to try out. But ultimately I feel that I simply don't have the time.

Every day I have to choose how my limited time is allocated between professional development, gaming, and chilling out with my wife on the couch (the only real time I get to do this, and something I don't want to miss out on).

There is simply not enough hours in the day. If I spend time on my desktop I can feel like I'm neglecting my wife. Spend a couple of nights looking into professional development and I feel over worked and burnt out. But if I don't think about my future employment prospects then I start to worry about money and failing to reach my life's goals. I almost feel like I'm in this perpetual holding pattern where I can't find enough time to do anything. Like I'm firmly entrenched.

God knows how I'm going to fit Edward's bed time into the mix when he gets old enough to need a scheduled bed time routine.


I think ultimately I need to work out a better way to distribute my time. It might be that I need to find a more local job to cut out the commute time, or something that pays a little better so I can work less hours (or both).

It's Not Actually All That Bad

Reading over this post it comes across as I'm being really negative about having my two kids. This isn't the case. I actually really enjoy Abby. I love watching her grow and learn and develop. I love playing with her. I love sharing my interests (she is now into Star Wars in a massive way). I love watching her develop her own personality. I love the way she kisses me on the cheek and tells me she loves me. And I love having her in my life.

The same will be true for Edward. I'm looking forward to developing that father-son relationship and having him as part of my life. Not to mention that at the moment he is adorable.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Consider this post the tired ramblings of someone who hasn't had a full nights sleep in over two weeks...

A new son is born!

I would like to announce the arrival of my son, Edward Louis Hennessey, who was born on Friday 24th of June 2016, at a slightly smaller weight of 2.98kg. 

I also want to give a huge shout out to my amazing wife who managed two days of heavy latent labour, four hours of active labour, and a natural birth without any pain killers or anesthesia. Amazing!

Gaming Parenting Tip

When gaming always keep a spare controller or keyboard handy! My daughter always wants to copy what I'm doing - and when I'm gaming that usually means reaching out and hitting as many keys on the keyboard as hard as she can. Nothing is worse than playing Command and Conquer: Red Alert on your Windows 98 machine, only to have the game constantly paused by an 8 month old relentlessly hitting the space bar with every once of strength she has! Or having your Age of Kings economy destroyed by stray hits of the delete key...

But watching her develop and learn has been one of the really rewarding things about being a parent. It's really interesting to see her try and figure things out, and trying her best to mimic what I'm doing. She desperately wants to do what her mum and I are doing, and just wants to be a part of our world.

If I'm drinking a coffee she will clamber and reach to try and get my mug - and if she manages to get to an empty mug she will pretend to drink from it. And you can trick her into eating when she is being fussy by offering her baby food out of an adult bowl with a table spoon rather than using her plastic bowls and cutlery - making her think that she is eating what I am eating. If I get my laptop out she will do her best to reach over to it and hit keys on the keyboard as if she was typing. And at 9 months old she has already figured out how to flick between the home screens on my Android tablet, and can (sort off) play the simple baby-orientated touch screen games. She understands how the device is used - even if she hasn't quite worked out what it is actually for...

Abby playing Red Alert!

But this does mean that when I'm playing computer games with her on my lap she will do everything she can to try and get to the keyboard. So I ended up buying her a cheap $10 keyboard that sits in front of my keyboard while I'm playing. She loves it - she gets to smash the keys as much as she wants and be part of the gaming, while I still get to play my game with no fuss. Works awesomely!

The next trick will be getting her to ignore the mouse...

Another Tip - Always Snip the USB Cord

Abby enjoys the keyboard so much that it ended up becoming one of her regular toys. And here is a second tip - if you are going to give a baby a keyboard to play with always snip off the USB cable. With teething she really likes the stick things in her mouth - and a USB cable is the perfect size for her to chew on. But it's also really easy for it to wrap around her neck, especially as she is rolling around on the floor with the cable in her mouth.

She was also starting to take a real interest in power cables. We were able to hide the all the AC adapters and extension cords in the living room, but it seemed like encouraging her interest in playing with cords by leaving the USB cord on the keyboard would be a stupid idea.

If she's going to play with a controller or keyboard unsupervised play it safe and remove the power cords!

Final Tip - Always use Broken Controllers as Toys 

If you're playing console games and give a baby a controller it will always end up going into her mouth where is will get soaked. It pays to give them dead controllers that you don't mind getting wrecked. No point loosing an expensive Sega Master System controller as a chew toy!

A Gamer in the Making!

Catching my 8 month old dancing to video game music - obviously a SEGA fan in the making!

And realising that you've become the stereotypical parent, making ultra cheezey home videos to force on your friends..... priceless :-P

Gaming as a Father

6 months later.... While I had every intention of keeping this blog updated, the second half of 2013 is a complete blur to me. And with that said...

I would to announce the arrival of my daughter, Abigail, who was born on October 30^th at a healthy 3.075KG.

The last half of 2013 has been the busiest I have ever been outside of university. My wife and I had already booked the venue for our wedding back in December 2012, and when we got pregnant decided we would keep the set date of October 12^th.  At the time it felt like the sensible thing to do – deposits had been made, a photographer and celebrant had been booked, and shifting things around seemed like it would be a colossal pain.... what could go wrong? But here’s the thing - planning a wedding, setting up for a baby, and trying to buy a house all at the same time was nightmare. There wasn’t much time for gaming – let alone blogging!

But in the end it all worked out. The wedding itself was great. We had a 1890s theme, complete with top hats, vests, frock coats, and fob watches. We held it at Ferrymead Heritage Park which is a recreation (complete with working trams) of 1910 Christchurch. We made it a day time wedding, made sure plenty of non-alcoholic drinks were available, and made it more of a sit down affair. The ceremony was amazing, we had written our own vows and the bridesmaids and groomsmen walked up the aisle to the Deep Space 9 theme, and everyone left the church to the Throne Room tune from Star Wars IV. The celebrant later emailed to say that it was one of the best ceremonies he had ever done. The heritage park was then open for everyone to enjoy before the reception started that afternoon.

With the exception of a few minor hiccups (which in hindsight could probably have been avoided – maybe I’ll blog about it in the future), the day went really well.  

Fatherhood

Due to complications Abby was born unexpectedly just two weeks after the weeding by caesarean section following an induced labour. 

So what’s it like? Challenging, tiring, sometimes very frustrating, and for the first few weeks you will go through a little bit of ‘oh crap I have a baby now – what do I do’ shock. But overall it is very rewarding, very satisfying, and you’ll enjoy every moment of it.  

It is hard, no doubt about it. It’s a commitment, one that will completely change your life.

On a good night Abby will sleep from around 11pm to 3:00am, then again from about 3:30am to 6:00am. And on a bad night she will be up every hour. Luckily I have a fantastic wife who is happy to do the overnight stuff so I can get enough sleep to function reasonably ok at work the next day. But still my wife and I have not had a full night sleep since Abby was born, and we’re both exhausted.

And sometimes she’ll cry just because she can... and when you’re already tired it can be a real trial to keep your cool.

And everything has an extra layer of difficulty to it. Want to go out for a walk? Better add an extra hour to the time it will take you to get ready by the time the baby is fed, nappy changed, dressed, and nappy changed again. Want to play D&D? Better allow for plenty of breaks to your wife can go breastfeeding.

But then you will teach her something new, like how to give kisses, and feel a sense of pure accomplishment. Or she’ll look at you and smile when you sit down next to her – letting you know she appreciates everything you do for her and that makes it all worthwhile. That’s the rewarding part.

It’s also fascinating watching her explore the world for the first time. Things that I find absolutely mundane, to the point that I wouldn’t even notice them, are jaw droppingly fascinating for her. She seems to really like my Sega Master System collection, which she can stare at for minutes at a time. Apparently babies initially see in black and white, and I guess the grid pattern of the boxes really stands out to her.

And then there is the stuff that is yet to come. I am very much looking forward to when I can share the things that I enjoy with her. When will we first watch Star Wars? And how long can I keep the prequel films hidden.... And when will we sit down and play our first RPG together? Will she like Star Trek? Will she play D&D? Will she enjoy computers? Will she like using my microscope?

Yes, fatherhood can be hard. But I wouldn’t swap it for anything.

Trying to get Abby to my way of thinking early...

Gaming as a Dad

Now for the question on every gamers mind – does becoming a dad kill your ability to play games? Answer: No. Well not really - it will change the type of gaming you can do.

Here’s the thing – when I get home from work in the evening I’m completely stuffed. I might get 4 to 6 hours of sleep a night, and after an 8 hour day in the office (plus 2 hours commute) I’m zonkered. When I get home I’m more likely to crash on my lazy boy chair and have cuddles with Abby while surfing the net on my tablet. On many nights gaming is the last thing on my mind. Then on the weekend time has to be shared between playing with and looking after Abby, spending time with my wife, my other interests, and gaming.

For the most part complicated games have been out of the question. I don’t want to learn new game play, and I don’t want complex story lines that I have to remember. I want short simple games that I can pick up and play between large breaks. I want to be able to play on my laptop in bed, or when lying fully reclined on my chair. Stuff that I don’t really need to pay a whole lot of attention too.

So what have I been playing? Retro games mostly. I’ve been hitting up my gog.com account and Steam for the old school classics. Stuff I played when I was a kid. Stuff that I know. 

In the last 6 months I’ve played Dungeon Keeper 2, Caesar 3, Quake, a little bit of Hexen, Doom (with the Brutal Doom mod), Age of Empires 2, and Carmageddon.

But it’s not all retro and simple gaming. On the weekends when I’ve got a little bit more time I’ve been playing GTA 5. I can usually fit in a couple of hours a day over the weekend, so that game will keep me going for a while :-P. With the holidays I’ve been playing through Baldur’s Gate: Enhanced Edition (which I’m thoroughly enjoying).

But something I'm really enjoying is sharing my gaming with Abby. With my recent play through of Baldur's Gate I've been able to play on my laptop while holding her on my lap, and have narrated the game her as I've played - reading the character text, explaining what's happening in the game, and talking about my in game decisions. Essentially using the game as a story book. It has been a great bonding experience for us.

I've been able to do something similar while playing GTA. I'm very much looking forward to introducing her to more games, and sharing those experiences with her. In future years it will be a heap of fun to show her the games that I grew up with, my favourites, and experiening those nostalgic titles again through her fresh perspective.

Then there is the straight up enjoyment of parenting which gaming can enhance. A few days ago I was playing Baldur's Gate at around 8am. It was heavily raining outside, and I was sipping a coffee. Abby was lying in the bed next to me asleep, snuggling into my leg, and I was playing the game with one hand while giving her a back rub with the other. It was a moment of pure gaming and parenting pleasure.

So does having kids ruin gaming. Far from it.

Fuse-Bead Space Invaders

The funny thing about decorating a baby’s room is that it's really just an opportunity to decorate a bedroom with all the crazy stuff that you'd secretly really like to see in your own bedroom. It's also a chance to surround the baby with all the stuff that you enjoy to try and indoctrinate the kid into your way of thinking right from the get go. 

Hama bead Space Invader under construction.

So, having already bought a lightsaber night light and drawn up plans for a Lego Star Wars mobile, I decided it was time to think about gaming themed decorations. My Duke Nukem Forever poster and Aliens: Colonial Marines bandana are perhaps not baby appropriate (not to mention that the poster is already on my bedroom wall), and so I've taken to making my own decorations with bead art.

The first time I was introduced to bead art was through the youtube channel of internet commentator, and all round master shit stirrer, Asalieri.  Looking around the net people have been able to make some fairly cool stuff. Pretty much anything from the pixilated 8-bit era can be reproduced in beads. It looks easy, and fun, so why not try? Well it turns out that almost no where in New Zealand stocks fuse-beads. Certainly not the Perla brand which is popular in the United States. Online store mightyape.co.nz stocks some beads produced by Hama, but not all colours, and frustratingly (and somewhat confusingly) does not stock the peg boards necessary to make any artwork. So after ordering a bag of 6000 beads and 6 peg boards directly from Hama in the United Kingdom I was ready to go.

Hama bead Space Invader still under construction

My first attempt has been a collection of 3 small space invaders. To be honest I'm pretty happy with the results. After finishing a bead Very Hungry Caterpillar my fiancé has started work on a Hama bead Pac man and ghosts set. I'm thinking my next Hama bead project will be from one of my favourite games as a child; Luke Skywalker from the Sega master system version of Star Wars.

This kid will be a Star Wars, Lego, and video game fan in no time! Now if only we owned a house with a baby’s room that we could actually start decorating....

Three completed Hama bead Space Invaders.

EDIT: It turned out that my next Hama bead project was Duke Nukem from Duke Nukem 2. I'm very happy with it.

Hama bead Duke Nukem

Gaming as a dad

There are certain life events that change how a gamer approaches the hobby, and I think many gamers nearing their 30s can look back at their gaming careers and identify a sort of ‘gamers lifecycle’.  The particulars may be different for each person, but you always end up a different gamer to how you started. My personal timeline goes something like this;

Myself Christmas 1996 with R-TYPE for
Sega Master System II

Starting when I was a kid I had almost all the time I could want to dedicate to the hobby (homework, chores, and social life permitting). If I found that I didn't like a particular game I had plenty of time to move onto something else. And as such I played anything and everything. RPGs, JRPGs, RTS, FPS, turn based, point-and-click, text adventure, platformers, fighting games, simulation.... We would trade games between friends, and going to someones house after school would often include breaking out a game console or a PC. The number of games I played was large. And 80+ hour RPGs stood among the favourite games in my collection.

As I moved onto university my approach to gaming changed. The demands of university meant that gaming took  back seat. Especially towards the end of my degree, opportunities for serious gaming  had to be squeezed between essays and assignments. I began to maximise my gaming by concentrating on the genres I enjoyed the most, but which also provided the most accessible 'pickup and play' gameplay. RTS and sandbox titles started to dominate my gaming time, while RPGs and turn based titles were played during intersemester and Christmas break. This is also the point where I got interested in retro gaming, as old sega master system and MSDOS titles were both accessible from a gameplay perspective, but also cheaply obtainable.

Leaving university and entering the workforce marked the next shift in my gaming career. With a full time job, a long time girlfriend (now fiancé), running a good home, a social life, and other projects and interests, the time that I can dedicate to gaming is limited to about 4-10 hours a week. RPGs have been dropped almost entirely from my gaming line up. Retro gaming is now a very large part of my gaming life. Games like Quake and Doom are regular go-to titles, and my collection of classic consoles and games it's getting large. Indie games have also become a big part of my gaming environment, both through Stream and Android. I still have a strong interest in current gaming however, and keep buying all the core titles that I want to be playing. As a result I have a massive back catalogue of unplayed titles in my collection.

In November I am going to become a father. It's an exciting time, and my life is set to change in ways that I can't even imagine. And inevitably my gaming career is also set to move into a new direction. And that is essentially what this blog is about - an account of how my gaming life integrates with my new family life. Is anyone on the internet interested in the topic? I don't know. Do I plan to monetise? No, not at the moment. This is a blog in the true sense of the term - a web log of my experience of gaming as a father. It it's also a place where I can post my thoughts of gaming in general, and a means for me to stay a part of a hobby and community which I have been a part of since I was a child.

 - Masarius